The Many Lives and Times of Sam Saturday: Porn Star

April 27, 2006

Given that she was brought up, fatherless, by a perpetually drunk mother and a series of ‘live-in husbands,’ it isn’t any surprise that Samantha found a job in the adult entertainment industry.

What did come as a surprise was that she had the smarts to know that simply jumping into whatever flesh film opened its doors was no way to make a career. No, you needed to play it smart to get ahead – so Samantha decided to specialize.

We aren’t talking about any sort of perverse sex acts or the like, either. Nah, that stuff is strictly minor leagues. Samantha decided to make a name for herself as the star of Western pornos.

There are a lot of benefits to coming in at the top of a niche genre like that. Once you are in, you are pretty much guaranteed positions (no pun intended) in all the films in the field. Many of them are produced by the same folks, so you get to make a lot of friends in the industry while you are at it. You get to work with popular male stars like the famous John Wang, star of such masterpieces as The Good, the Bad and the Sexy, The Lone Banger, and Riding on Texas Cowboys.

Unfortunately, despite a promising career and countless fans, Samantha will be retiring from the industry early. After falling madly in love with co-star “Chief Thrusting Bull,” she will be devastated to find out he isn’t even 1/64 Cherokee, and will retire with her millions to open a small knick-knack shop in Florida, and die at the ripe old age of 97 with many happy memories.

The true tragedy is that, for reasons far too inscrutable to discuss here, this will herald the downfall of the last great age of cinema in America.

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