On Sale Now!

February 10, 2006

Location: An ordinary everyday bar, filled with all manner of ruffians and ne’er-do-wells.

Action: A young man with a big, full beard swaggers into the room. He takes a seat at the most crowded table, and then breaks out a shot glass and a large silver flask. He pours a strange fizzing substance into the glass, and then downs it in one quick gulp.

“Ah,” he belches, “That hits the spot!”

One of the brutes at the table, a massive hulking figure with the brow of a neanderthal watches him take several more shots, and then growls, “Whatcha drinking, pup?”

The bearded man laughs. “Something you can’t handle, son.”

“Try me.”

The man shrugs. “Suit yourself.” He cocks open the flask again with a lightning-fast flick of his wrist, and tops off the shot glass again, before sliding it across the table to the brute.

His opponent looks at it carefully, then takes a quick gulp of it. A second passes, and then the man’s eyes grow wide, and he opens his mouth once, twice, as though gasping for air, before collapsing under the table.

The rest of the scofflaws chortle, and kick his prone body away while slapping their new pal on the back.

-Pause-

All other action in the room stops. The man turns to stare at the screen, and points one rugged finger towards the audience.

“You too can soon be the envy of every man, woman and child in town! The new Drinking Flask-o-Matic works wonders! Open one nozzel, and a tame but fierce looking drink flows out. Tastes like root beer! Open the other, and the hardest liquor known to man is manifested! Knock out your enemies! Surprise your friends! Win the hearts of women everywhere with your hardcore drinking skills!”

–NOW ONLY $279.84, PAYABLE IN 53 PAYMENTS OF $5.28! REFILLS NOT INCLUDED–

(Disclaimer: Not responsible for being reknowned as “The King of Drinkers”, and subjected to greater and greater challenges as word of your super-drinking prowess spreads. OmniCorp assumes no responsibilities should you be challenged to a drinking duel by Baron von Jaeger, and must defeat him at a drink of his choosing or watch him execute your loved ones before your eyes. This notice required by law.)

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