Tales of True Stories: The Shower Conspiracy

February 2, 2006

Well, it’s definite. There’s a conspiracy out to get me.

I’d always figured (hoped) that if a conspiracy was after me it would be due to my secret ninja training being unleashed, or perhaps some hidden dark agenda out to quiet me before I could save the planet from their evil schemes.

But no.

No, this conspiracy seems to have one goal – to make my shower time less enjoyable. The impertinence!

All I ask for is the chance to use conditioner in peace. Nothing more, nothing less. Yet every single time I go to cleanse myself beneath the purifying water, such a luxury is denied to me. The second I lather that conditioner in – really get, you know, some good suds going – BAM! The water drops from nicely warm to icy cold. Deeply, darkly, perniciously cold.

It doesn’t matter when I take my shower. It doesn’t matter how long it is – five minutes or fifty, the cold water comes as soon as the conditioning begins. It has been weeks now, and still this pattern continues.

Oh, at first I dismissed it as idle coincidence. But a man cannot ignore the truth forever! Some malevolent force is out to ruin my shower, and I shall not stand for it!

One more chance I’ll give, one more time to see if – just once – I can be cleansed in peace.

After that… it means war!

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